Today has been a really rough day and I thought I would come on here to get things off my chest.
I was just looking back on a entry that I wrote my second week of freshman year of college. Now I am in my last month, which is really crazy. The time really flew. I have learned alot since then, and not just academically. I think I have learned to be a better person, but it came with alot of hardships.
Last semester was rough. I spent alot of time trying to repair the relationship with my mom, and now I think we have it pretty good. I was really rude to her and kicked my family out on move in day. I reached my breaking point because she was being so controlling but I didnt consider that this was a big day for her too. We are good now, and I think me and my mom are closer than ever. My dad on the other hand, I know hes still there and still thinks about me, but he still never reaches out. I dont know why.
Last semester I had trouble making friends at first, and then I met Gabby. We did everything together. She introduced me to alot of her friends, and I finally felt wanted. We signed a lease with a couple of other girls to live together next year. This semester has been different. I wanted to rush a sorority, but I couldn’t because my GPA was too low (I failed math and didnt do so well in econ last semester). She ended up getting into the best sorority, and I havent seen her nearly as much as I did last semester. I know shes having fun and is so happy and is making new friends, but I feel so left out sometimes. We were supposed to go out tonight because she is finally initiated, but she instead went out last night and drank too much and decided that she couldnt. I was looking forward to that all week. I text her all the time and I feel like im bothering her, even though she promises me that Im not. Its so hard to feel left in the dust.
Grade wise this semester, I have been doing so much better. Almost every exam has gone well, and I have been working my ass off. I have been trying to better myself as a person too, and I have been going to the free workout classes that my school offers. I have also been trying to eat better and not drink or vape as much. I feel better.
For the boy situation, I have been “talking” to this guy for a while now. He really confuses me. We had been friends since October, then started talking around November. I have never felt more safe around a person. One night, he confessed to me over and over that he loved me, and then claimed the next day that he was drugged the night before and didnt remember anything. We dont snapchat anymore, but every Saturday night like clockwork I get a drunk text from him, then a call asking me to come over. I always do. I guess its better to feel wanted a little bit than not wanted at all. Gabby doesnt like that Im talking to him. She says he doesnt treat me right, but I dont think she understands that im not the same type of girl as gabby. I am not the type of girl that can afford to reject a decent looking guy, because in reality there is not another guy. Gabby is stunning. Every single guy that looks her direction is instantly obsessed. I on the other hand am more of an acquired taste. I like him, alot. And honestly, I know he likes me too. He knows my body better than anyone before has. He knows what I like, and what makes me anxious. He is also really good at calming me down. One time, he ordered me an Uber to come over, and it took a wrong turn, and I started freaking out. I was alone, and the dude was already weirding me out. When I got there, I was still shaking. He came from behind me, and gave me probably the best hug I have ever received. I was instantly okay. That has never happened to me before. I hope things end up working out with him, although he is really hard to read. I’m not giving up on it quite yet.
I just picked my classes for next semester. I am well aware that it is going to be hard, but I am up for the challenge. I am hoping that I will get the job at Icona for this summer, although I haven’t heard back yet and its scaring me.
I’m looking forward to the future, but still trying to have fun and focus on the present. I know this is a time in my life that I am going to miss alot.
