It has been really really hard lately. I have tried to stay happy, but everyday feels like a burden. All I want to do is curl up in my bed and not talk to anyone, but that gets boring. I tried to quit nicotine, but I am back on it now, just a different device. It is truly crazy to me thinking that not so long ago I was so happy and full of life, and now I am just overwhelmed and stressed all the time. My room is getting messy, I have gained weight, and I am not going to the gym anymore. I want to get better so bad, but I simply do not know where to start. I stay up way too late, because I can’t sleep even if I tried. I took one of my dads anxiety pills yesterday, and that helped me sleep and calm down, which scared me alot. I don’t want to have to rely on a little pink pill to calm myself down or make me happy again.
My grad party is coming up, and we are getting the house in order, which is actually really nice. My mom is stressing my out more though because she is making me feel guilty about wanting to plan a nice party for my graduation. I just want to have all my loved ones around me before I move 5 hours away. All she talks about is money these days, and I cant help but hope I dont end up like her one day.
I am not talking to any boys right now, and it kind of makes me sad. All my friends have boyfriends. Literally, I am the only single friend. Its depressing to see my friends slowly drift away from me because now they have a boy to fill their time. Its really hard hanging out with them now because thats all that they want to talk about. Please dont get me wrong, I love my friends, but I guess ill just have to learn to stay in the background for a little while.
I am leaving for college very soon, and I have yet to pick classes or take a placement exam that I need to do. I had a meeting with my advisor, and I am waiting for the moment to click that my childhood is really over and I am moving 5 hours away to truly be on my own for a little while. I know I am going to love it there, but the thought of it is also scary. I need the change really badly.
I am not talking to a therapist anymore, and I feel like I need to again, but at the same time its hard because I cannot grasp the fact that I cannot do everything on my own. I want to be able to fix myself. I want to be happy with life again, but everything is weighing down on me. I feel like I am playing a character in someone elses movie. I feel like I am not actually important to anyone, but everyone is important to me.
I thought writing this would make me feel better, but now im not sure. I wonder if some stranger on the internet will read this and think im gonna kill myself or something. Dont worry, I am not going to do that, my ego is too big for that. All I want is to feel okay again. I want to feel like I have a grasp on things, and actually enjoy myself before college. I want to feel like myself again, because at the moment ive been feeling like a stranger in my own body. I dont know who I am anymore.
