Im writing this at almost 1 am, but I felt like if i got my words down on paper I would feel better. Ive been talking to this kid since NOVEMBER of last year, and it seems we have finally broken it off this time.
We have had many “breakups” over the last year, where I decide im done with him and never hooking up with him again, or where we both decide not to see each other. Everyone of these last times, we have somehow ended up in the same bed together.
It is so frustrating. Part of me wants to leave and go find someone better, but I know that I need to focus on myself before I can allow another person into my life. Part of me wants to find a hookup as soon as possible so I can rub it in his face and make him want me back.
The last time I rejected him, he came running back, and treated me better than he ever had before. Of course, my hopes were high, but it ended up being the same thing it was before.
This time, I blocked him on text and snapchat, and I had my friend give him his stuff back. I didn’t even want to see it around anymore because i know that it would remind me of him. However, I sprayed his favorite perfume of mine on the clothes so he could be reminded of me.
I know that I will come out a better person if I move on. But it is so hard. I mean, the kid has told me he loves me!! He knows my body more than anyone ive ever been with, what I like, what I dislike, and he calms me down. He can calm me down with a hug, which is something no one else (yet) has been able to do.
He was shitty to me. I miss him. But I also want to better myself. I think I am in the wrong headspace for that. I need to want to better myself for the sake of myself, but really, I want to better myself so that maybe he will want me more. Even now with blonde hair, I dont even know if he finds me pretty.
I saw this Tiktok the other day saying “what can he get from you 2ft away that he cant get when hes miles away?”. That really made me think. Was I just a body to him the whole time?
These are some questions that I would really like to know the answer to, but that I will most likely never receive the answer to. I get such satisfaction from information and knowing how things work, that I want to know why this didnt work.
I also cant help but think of the future. I know that I will continue seeing him, as we are in the same friend group. But how do I approach the situation? Do I try to make things go back to the way they were before? Thats probably impossible. My best bet is to just ignore him I guess, and if we are meant to be at some point we are meant to be. I just need to accept that.
Usually writing helps me figure out my feelings, and Im glad that I got alot of them out on paper. For myself right now, today was a good day. Because I have been wanting to do this for a while and I finally blocked him. I finally did what I could do over technology to get him out of my life. I will try to accept things as they are going forward. Until then, today was a good day. Im proud of myself.
